The Weight Of Childhood

Childhood never really leaves us. It hides in the smallest corners of who we are - in the ways we react when someone raises their voice at us, the kind of love we chase, or the fears we cannot explain. For some of us, childhood was about laughter, bed time stories, the smell of home cooked meals while for others, it was a place they tiptoe around or go quiet when asked about it or change the subject and pretend it didn't matter. The truth is, it did. It shapes us into what kind of people we become as adults.

It's very important for a child to have a good environment to grow up in. A safe one. And initially, this environment consists of only their family. By the age of 5, a child's brain is already 90% developed, says Harvard Centre on Developing Child. Every positive experience such as reading bedtime stories, playing or even being hugged strengthens neural connections. On the flip side, constant stress or neglect releases high levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) which literally damages brain wiring. That is why kids from chaotic homes often struggle with focus and learning later.

Negative environments such as neglect, abuse or extreme stress can cause the brain to overdevelop survival circuits which is the "fight or flight" emotion.

A lot of us which may feel like they are walking on eggshells at home or just trying to get by because the yelling, arguing or fights just get too much, often get stuck in this survival mode from a young age.

It first starts from getting scolded because you aren't studying or keeping your room clean but then you slowly start getting shouted at for everything you do.

Every small mistake is exaggerated into a huge one and you get shouted at every day then.

That's when you get stuck in survival mode, just trying to get past everyday without fully once being abused.

This survival mode underdevelops higher functions like reasoning and memory. You start forgetting things because your brain tries to "protect" you from all the traumatic events that took place.

Children then slowly start avoiding their parents and don't form any attachment with them. Start leaving the room when the parent enters because they know that the conversations they have end up leaving them drained & sad.

I mean can you blame them?

Psychologist John Bowlby Attachment Theory shows that children who receive constant love and care form secure Attachment which leads to trust, confidence, and stable relationships in adulthood.

While kids with insecure attachment often struggle with self-esteem, intimacy, and regulating emotions ultimately leading to unstable relationships in adulthood.

This is because they have had so many emotions to deal with. They constantly have this fear of getting abandoned because they were by their parents.

A lot of us always felt very anxious when we are at home. They say home is a safe place, but for some of us it's the quite opposite.

We feel like we are walking on eggshells at our home. One wrong move and it could all go down.

This is because of having an angry and unpredictable environment. You are always on alert. Heart always racing because you don't know what will come next. Beatings or love. Hugs or slaps one moment they are happy, the very next second you are being yelled at because you made a tiny mistake.

That's uncertainty & unpredictability.

Now, a lot of us who grew up in a place like this, have a sudden urge to control things. To plan things way ahead of time. To make a plan for everything & stick to it.

Psychologists say that this is something that we do because we are scared of chaos. Controlling things gives them a sense of stability because we didn’t have that growing up.

We may never like to talk about it but the scars always lead back to the corner we never wanted to visit or remember again. No matter how hard we try to forget it. It’s embedded inside. It changes us forever.