The People Who Made us

Everything starts with these two people, our parents. The first people who we trusted and loved since the age we could breathe and see. Before we could even name or feel these emotions properly, we had experienced these through them, or had we? Everything begins here.

Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth called it attachment when a child grows up in an environment which has love and warmth, where they feel safe and seen. The environment made up of their parents. These children begin to believe and know that people stay and love doesn't always hurt.

Whereas, children who grew up in an environment where they were neglected, felt unheard or love and care was inconsistent, they begin to think that love is supposed to hurt and be inconsistent. Or they hold themselves back when they want to love someone, fearing that they will leave some day. They are scared to give someone their all, so they maintain distance and are mentally prepared for disappointments.

Now even if some of these children are getting love and attention, it comes with fine print. They'll only pay attention to you if you get an A+ in all of your classes or 'I'm proud of you' or 'I love you' come only after you have a trophy in your hand or a medal around your neck. Carl Rogers called this 'Conditions of worth'. When we feel loved only after we achieve something. But this way we learn to beg for affection and that slowly changes into chasing validation. Then we end up carrying that with ourselves into adulthood.

Now, the child is feeling so much, but they cannot regulate their emotions on their own. So they borrow their parent's nervous system. When the parents stay calm in sudden situations or have patient with things and people around them, the child picks up on that and thinks that emotions are safe.

Now, similarly, if the parents are quick to react and show anger or shout at others quickly... The child even picks up at that and thinks it's okay to do that and explode at someone. They start fearing emotions, even their own.

And the patterns? They echo. About Bandura's Social Learning Theory. Explains why we end up copying our parents' habits. Their tone, their way of expression and even their silence. Their tone and way of talking slowly starts slipping into the way we speak, even if we don't want it to. We slowly start shouting at others the way they shout at us. The truth is, even though we don't mean to repeat them, we just reach for what's familiar. Because sometimes, what's familiar feels safer than what's healthy.

Our parent live inside us in ways we cannot imagine. Sometimes we spend the rest of our lives trying to fix something they didn't mean to break. But maybe healing isn't about erasing their voice, maybe it's about hearing ours beneath it.